


Nothing But Dismay - Season One

by Frogtotten



Series: Nothing But Dismay [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Addams Family - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-23
Packaged: 2021-03-25 04:08:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30083232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frogtotten/pseuds/Frogtotten
Summary: When going to deliver the news of the house fire to the Baudelaire orphans, Mr. Poe tells the Addams children by mistake. The Addamses get roped into the mysteries and hardships meant for the Baudelaires, and the Baudelaires into mysteries and hardships not meant for anyone. So, potential reader, I implore you - look away.Written in script form. Includes The Bad Beginning, The Reptile Room, The Wide Window, and The Miserable Mill, each in two parts.
Relationships: Gomez Addams/Morticia Addams, Klaus Baudelaire & Sunny Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire, Pubert Addams & Pugsley Addams & Wednesday Addams
Series: Nothing But Dismay [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2213442
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	1. The Bad Beginning - Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on AO3, so I hope I'm doing this right. It's in script form and I'm trying my best to keep it (mostly) accurate to proper format, but I can't promise it'll be perfect.

EXT. BRINEY BEACH - MORNING

The sky is gray and cloudy. A light fog thinly veils every surface. There are no people in sight, until LEMONY SNICKET walks onscreen.

LEMONY  
My name is Lemony Snicket. It is my duty to document and report the tragic history of three unlucky children. However, it is not your duty to watch said tragic history. I would highly recommend shutting your television off right now, unless you are a twisted individual who enjoys the suffering of others... a twisted individual like Pugsley, Wednesday, or Pubert Addams.

The camera slowly zooms out as PUGSLEY and WEDNESDAY ADDAMS walk onscreen, passing by Lemony as if he doesn't exist. Pugsley is wearing a backpack, and Wednesday is carrying a baby. The two sit down near the water.

LEMONY  
The Addams children were creepy, a word which here can mean a number of things, including kooky, mysterious, spooky, and altogether ooky. No one was quite sure of what they were. On one hand, they appeared to be innocent children.

Wednesday pops the head off of the baby, revealing that it was just a carrying case for several sticks of dynamite. Pugsley unzips his bag, takes PUBERT out, and sets him onto the sand.

LEMONY  
On the other, they were not as innocent as they seemed.

Wednesday passes a stick of dynamite to Pugsley. Pubert breathes fire onto the fuse.

LEMONY  
And on the third hand, which one of their relatives surely must have, they were likely not entirely human. For most of their lives, no one knew what they were, and no one seemed to want to, but very soon they would find out exactly what they were themselves: very, very unlucky.

A very distant cough is heard.

WEDNESDAY  
Someone is coming.

Pugsley tosses the dynamite into the ocean.

PUGSLEY  
I wonder who.

More coughs are heard, coming closer and closer. A shadowy figure is barely seen through the fog. The camera comes closer to the figure, revealing him to be MR. POE.

MR. POE  
From the top: My dears, I'm afraid I have some terrible news. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Ahem. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Your parents - oh dear, I've forgotten whose parents it was. I knew I should've left that part up to improv! Oh well, it's a good thing I wrote myself a note.

Mr. Poe unfolds the handkerchief. There's a note written inside. It reads: "One girl, one boy, and one baby. They live in a mansion."

MR. POE  
All right, that should help jog my memory. I can't recall their names, but I know the girl's was somewhere near the end of the alphabet... started with a V or a W or something weird like that.

Mr. Poe emerges from the fog and looks at the Addams kids. Then he looks several feet away from them and sees another girl, boy, baby trio.

MR. POE  
Oh dear. There's two of them. Oh well, I'll just pick one and ask if they live in a mansion. Not many people live in a mansion, after all.

WEDNESDAY  
Are you talking to us?

MR. POE  
No. Well, now I am. I'm Mr. Poe, from Mulctuary Money Management. What is your name, little girl?

WEDNESDAY  
Don't call me little. I'm of a perfectly average height for my age.

PUGSLEY  
It's Wednesday.

MR. POE  
All right! And you don't happen to live in a mansion, do you?

PUGSLEY  
Actually, we do.

MR. POE  
Well, then. I'm afraid I have some terrible news for you. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire. Your home was destroyed, as well.

The kids stare at Mr. Poe blankly.

MR. POE  
Perished means killed, by the way.

WEDNESDAY  
It doesn’t, really. It means died. You wouldn’t say "Your parents have killed in a terrible fire," unless you mean that they have committed a murder. You would say "Your parents have died in a terrible fire."

PUGSLEY  
Wednesday, do you think he's serious?

WEDNESDAY  
Of course not. I just explained why that definition was wrong.

PUGSLEY  
No, I mean about our parents. Do you think our parents are really gone? And our house?

Wednesday thinks for a second.

WEDNESDAY  
Are you serious?

MR. POE  
Dead serious. Just as dead as your parents.

PUGSLEY  
You're joking.

MR. POE  
I'm not. Would you like to see what's left of your home?

Wednesday and Pugsley look at each other, then at Mr. Poe.

PUGSLEY  
Sure.

Pugsley puts Pubert back in the backpack and the kids follow Mr. Poe off screen.

LEMONY  
I'm sure you noticed the other girl, boy, and baby at the beach. Those are Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire, whose parents perished in a terrible fire. Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert's parents did not. Mr. Poe was incompetent in many ways, and his memory was one of them. This would be the most harm this particular incompetency would cause.

EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION'S ASHES - MORNING

Mr. Poe, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert are standing by the charred remains of the mansion. Pugsley and Wednesday look confused while Mr. Poe coughs violently.

PUGSLEY  
This isn't our house.

MR. POE  
You're right. It's your pile of ash.

PUGSLEY  
It's not that, either. We don't even live on this street.

MR. POE  
Not anymore, you don't!

WEDNESDAY  
We never did. This is someone else's house. Was someone else's house, anyway.

MR. POE  
I understand that you're very upset. It must be hard losing so much in such a short amount of time. But you're going to have to accept the fact that you'll never see your family or your home ever again.

PUGSLEY  
We didn't lose anything. Can we go home now?

MR. POE  
I can take you to your new home. You're going to live with your closest living relative... so I'll be taking you to Count Olaf, your third cousin twice removed, I think, who lives just on the other side of town.

PUGSLEY  
I don't think that's what "closest living relative" means.

INT. CAR - DAY

Mr. Poe is driving the Addams kids to their "new home." Pubert is out of the backpack, sitting on Pugsley's lap.

WEDNESDAY  
Pugsley, I think we're being kidnapped.

PUGSLEY  
Ooh, exciting!

WEDNESDAY  
No. This is bad. We're being taken to a part of town that we've never been to, and we may not be able to find our way back home.

PUGSLEY  
Oh. That is bad. How are we gonna get back home?

Wednesday starts playing with her braid.

WEDNESDAY  
I might be able to think of something.

MR. POE  
We're here!

The kids look out the window and see a beautiful, pristine little house with a colorful garden surrounding it. JUSTICE STRAUSS is watering the flowers. The kids look horrified. Mr. Poe gets out of the car, and so do the kids.

PUGSLEY  
This is our new home?

MR. POE  
I know it may not be very much like your old home, but I bet you'll grow to like it.

WEDNESDAY  
I wouldn't even want to die here, let alone live here.

Justice Strauss comes over to the kids.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Hello there! You must be the children Count Olaf is adopting.

WEDNESDAY  
Unfortunately. I suppose we should introduce ourselves... I'm Wednesday Addams, and these are my brothers, Pugsley and Pubert.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
What interesting names! My name is Justice Strauss. It's a pleasure to meet you!

WEDNESDAY  
No, it's no-

PUGSLEY  
It's nice to meet you, too! Are you Count Olaf's wife?

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Goodness me, no. I don't even know him very well. I'm his next-door neighbor. Count Olaf lives over there.

Justice Strauss points to the next house over. It's devoid of color and looms threateningly over every other house.

WEDNESDAY  
It's beautiful.

PUGSLEY  
Well, we'd better get going. Goodbye.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Goodbye!

The kids walk up to the door of the house. Mr. Poe is already there. Pugsley knocks on the door. The door creaks open. COUNT OLAF is on the other side, mostly obscured by shadow, except for his eyes and teeth, which are shining brightly.

OLAF  
Hello, hello, hello.

PUBERT  
Hi!

WEDNESDAY  
I have a good feeling about this guy.

OLAF  
Please step into your new home, and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets indoors.

Mr. Poe and the kids wipe their feet on the ground.

INT. OLAF'S HOUSE, ENTRANCE - DAY

The four step inside and look around.

PUGSLEY  
This place doesn't look too bad. It actually seems pretty nice.

WEDNESDAY  
Pugsley, we've been kidnapped. You need to take this more seriously... although, I must admit, this is a very nice house.

OLAF  
I was actually thinking I'd do some renovations to the house, using a bit of the money your parents left behind.

PUGSLEY  
You really don't have to. We like it as it is.

MR. POE  
Besides, the fortune is not to be used until - what's the oldest one's name again?

PUGSLEY  
Pugsley.

MR. POE  
Until Pugsley comes of age.

Olaf glares at Mr. Poe.

PUGSLEY  
We have a fortune?

WEDNESDAY  
Of course we do. Well, our parents do, but we don't. They never died, so we never inherited it.

MR. POE  
The kids are experiencing some denial. I'm sure you know how hard it is to lose a loved one.

OLAF  
Yes, they must be thrilled - goodbye, Mr. Joe -

MR. POE  
Poe.

OLAF  
I'm going to show the kids to their rooms, now.

MR. POE  
Goodbye. Pugsley, Wednesday, the other one, remember that you can always contact me at the bank if you need me.

WEDNESDAY  
We don't even know where the bank is.

Mr. Poe leaves.

OLAF  
Follow me.

Olaf starts walking, and as he does, Pubert catches a glimpse of the tattoo on his ankle. He points to the tattoo.

PUBERT  
Eye!

The kids follow Olaf.

PUGSLEY  
My brother likes your tattoo.

Olaf frowns.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

Olaf brings the kids to the room. There is a single bed in the middle of the room and a pile of rocks in the corner. Lemony is standing behind the bed.

LEMONY  
I don't know if you've noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. When Pubert was first born, Wednesday wanted nothing to do with him, but by the time he was six weeks old, Wednesday was teaching him how to use a crossbow. This was a similar case, except that instead of going from hating someone to liking them, the Addamses felt the opposite about Olaf.

OLAF  
This is where you will sleep. I have provided you a bed, and a complimentary pile of rocks.

WEDNESDAY  
Don't we need three beds? Or at least two, since Pubert could sleep with one of us? And what are the rocks for?

A rock flies past Olaf's head.

PUGSLEY  
These are fun!

OLAF  
Hey! There will be no rock throwing in this house!

PUGSLEY  
Your fault for letting an Addams into a house full of rocks.

OLAF  
You're being awfully ungrateful to someone who's going to be feeding and housing you for the remainder of your childhood.

WEDNESDAY  
No, that's just how he has fun. It has nothing to do with you.

OLAF  
All right, but make sure not to break any windows or skulls, because you're going to be the ones fixing them, and you wouldn't want to add onto your extensive list of chores.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY  
Chores?

Olaf takes a rolled up piece of paper out of his pocket. It unravels to be as long as he is tall.

OLAF  
I understand that you may not be used to doing chores, having grown up in a mansion. You probably had a butler or something to do all that for you.

WEDNESDAY  
We still do. He's alive and at our house, which we should really be getting back to.

OLAF  
You don't have a butler here, so you're going to have to do all the housework yourself.

Olaf gives Wednesday the chores list.

OLAF  
My acting troupe will be visiting this evening, and I expect every last one of those chores to be done by the time they're here.

WEDNESDAY  
Acting troupe? Are you an actor?

OLAF  
Yes. World-renowned.

WEDNESDAY  
I thought you were a count.

OLAF  
I'm both. I'm just that talented. Now, I'm going to go out and do... something. Goodbye.

Olaf leaves the room. Pugsley comes over to Wednesday, holding Pubert, who is chewing on a rock.

WEDNESDAY  
We should probably get started on these.

PUGSLEY  
Yeah... wait, what was that thing he said about fixing skulls?

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

Wednesday is sweeping the floor, Pugsley is washing dishes, and Pubert is cleaning a countertop.

WEDNESDAY  
I feel like I'm not getting anything accomplished... wait a minute.

She flips over the broom and scrapes the floor with the end, scratching off a layer of dirt. Her eyes widen.

WEDNESDAY  
The floor here used to be blue!

INT. BATHROOM - AFTERNOON

The kids are scrubbing the floor. A rat runs by. Pugsley grabs the rat by its tail and holds it up.

PUGSLEY  
Look, a friend!

INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Wednesday holds Pubert up to the fireplace. Pubert breathes fire onto the wood. Pugsley takes the chores list out of his pocket. Wednesday carries Pubert over to Pugsley, and Pubert breathes fire onto the last chore on the list, effectively crossing out "light fireplace."

PUGSLEY  
Looks like we're done!

The sound of the front door opening is heard.

WEDNESDAY  
Olaf's home.

Olaf comes into the room.

WEDNESDAY  
We finished all our chores.

OLAF  
Then why don't I smell tonight's dinner?

PUGSLEY  
Dinner?

OLAF  
Yes. Did you not see it? It's written in bold letters on the back.

Pugsley flips over the list. The paper has been charred all the way through from the crossing out of each chore, so it's unclear if there ever was another chore there.

PUGSLEY  
I don't see it.

OLAF  
That was the most important one! My troupe is coming in two hours and you have absolutely nothing prepared!

WEDNESDAY  
How many people are in your troupe?

OLAF  
Several! Now, get started on that dinner!

Olaf goes into another room.

WEDNESDAY  
None of us know how to cook.

PUGSLEY  
Pubert can make toast.

WEDNESDAY  
True, but he always burns it, and the few people we've had over have not enjoyed the burned-ness, oddly enough. We have to think of something else.

PUGSLEY  
Do you think Olaf has a cookbook somewhere around here?

WEDNESDAY  
We cleaned the entire house and there were no books of any kind, let alone cookbooks.

PUGSLEY  
Maybe we could ask the neighbor if she has any.

WEDNESDAY  
Ugh, I hate that person, and I hate her stupid house and flowers.

PUGSLEY  
Maybe our first impression was wrong. Remember how we had such a good feeling about Olaf, but he turned out to be awful? Maybe Justice Strauss is the opposite.

WEDNESDAY  
The opposite of awful is delightful, and that word makes me want to puke.

PUGSLEY  
No, I mean we might grow to like her.

WEDNESDAY  
You can't make me go over there.

Pugsley grabs Wednesday by the braids and drags her out the door. Wednesday hisses.

EXT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Pugsley and Wednesday are standing at the door. Pugsley knocks on the door with the hand that isn't carrying Pubert. Justice Strauss opens the door.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Hello, kids! How are you doing?

WEDNESDAY  
Bad.

PUGSLEY  
We're still getting used to things. Do you happen to have a cookbook we could borrow?

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Of course! What do you need it for?

WEDNESDAY  
Olaf wants us to make dinner for him and his acting troupe.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Goodness, cooking for an entire theater troupe seems like a lot to ask of children.

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY  
We know.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Well, why don't you come inside and pick out a book that interests you?

WEDNESDAY  
Because we hate you and your house.

PUGSLEY  
What she means is "we'd love to!"

INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - AFTERNOON

Justice Strauss leads the kids to a certain part of her library.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
This is the cookbook section.

PUGSLEY  
This library is huge.

WEDNESDAY  
And it has such a needlessly expansive section on cookbooks.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
I'm glad you think so! Feel free to come by anytime you need a book.

Justice Strauss walks offscreen. Pugsley takes a random book from the shelf and flips to a random page.

PUGSLEY  
How does puttanesca sound? It's an Italian sauce for pasta. All we need to do is sauté olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, and tomatoes together in a pot, and make some spaghetti to go with it.

WEDNESDAY  
Better than burnt toast.

PUGSLEY  
It shouldn't be too hard to make. We'll figure it out.

INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON

Pugsley flips the book open to the puttanesca recipe. Wednesday sets down a couple paper bags full of ingredients onto the counter.

PUGSLEY  
It sure was nice of Justice Strauss to take us shopping for ingredients. I thought she was just gonna give us the book.

WEDNESDAY  
I guess she is pretty nice. Let's get started on the puttanesca.

For Lemony's next line, the kids do what he's describing them doing.

LEMONY  
(voiceover)  
For most of the afternoon, Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert cooked the puttanesca sauce according to the recipe. Pugsley roasted the garlic and washed and chopped the anchovies. Wednesday peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. Pubert banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song he had written himself. And none of the children thought for even a second about how they really should not be in the situation that they were in. That is, until -

The sound of the front door flinging open is heard.

OLAF  
Orphans? Where are you, orphans?

PUGSLEY  
In the kitchen. We're just finishing dinner.

OLAF  
You'd better be.

Olaf enters the kitchen.

OLAF  
My troupe is right behind me and they're very hungry. Where is the roast beef?

WEDNESDAY  
We didn't make roast beef. We made puttanesca sauce.

OLAF  
What? No roast beef?

PUGSLEY  
You didn't tell us you wanted roast beef.

Olaf comes closer to the kids. His eyes shine brighter, and his eyebrow raises in anger.

OLAF  
In agreeing to adopt you, I have become your father, and as your father I am not someone to be trifled with. I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests.

WEDNESDAY  
We don't have any! We made puttanesca sauce!

PUBERT  
No! No! No!

Olaf looks down at Pubert. He lets out a monstrous roar and picks him up, raising him far above the counter. Pubert starts crying.

WEDNESDAY  
Put him down! I'm the only one who gets to terrify my family!

Wednesday kicks Olaf in the shin as hard as she can. Olaf growls and looks even angrier than before. He slaps her in the face, sending her falling to the ground. Pugsley is speechless for a while.

PUGSLEY  
Pubert. Fire.

Pubert breathes fire at Olaf. Olaf drops Pubert onto the counter, but thankfully, Pubert is unharmed. Pugsley picks up Pubert and hugs him before helping Wednesday off the ground.

PUGSLEY  
You're going to regret messing with us.

Wednesday sniffles. She's crying.

PUGSLEY  
You are going to regret this until the day you die.

OLAF  
I refuse to argue with you orphans. I may find some way to forgive the lack of roast beef if you can manage to serve me and my troupe without any more issues.

Olaf leaves the room. Wednesday touches the red mark on her face, but quickly takes her hand back off.

PUGSLEY  
We're going to kill that man.

Pugsley takes a tiny bottle with a skull on it out of his pocket.

WEDNESDAY  
Cyanide?

PUGSLEY  
I always keep it with me.

WEDNESDAY  
You're going to poison the sauce?

PUGSLEY  
Yep. And we're gonna watch him croak.

Pugsley pours the contents of the bottle into the sauce. He stirs it a little.

PUGSLEY  
Let's make our parents proud.

INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING

Pugsley and Wednesday come into the room, Wednesday with the pot of puttanesca, and Pugsley with a pot of spaghetti.

PUGSLEY  
Dinner is served!

Pugsley goes around the room, putting spaghetti on everyone's plate, and Wednesday does the same with the sauce, saving Olaf's plate for last. The two stand behind Olaf, waiting for him to try it.

OLAF  
What are you doing? Why are you still here?

WEDNESDAY  
Why is anyone still here? Why was anyone here to begin with?

PUGSLEY  
Wednesday, we're not here to give these lovely people existential crises. We just want to hear what they think of the sauce we worked very hard to make.

WEDNESDAY  
Oh, right.

PUGSLEY  
Go ahead, everyone! Eat up!

Everyone at the table cautiously tries the pasta.

WEDNESDAY  
So, what do you think?

OLAF  
It's... fine, I guess. Just tastes like pasta with sauce...

Suddenly, Olaf collapses, his head falling onto his plate. The same thing happens to the members of the troupe. Wednesday and Pugsley look at the unconscious bodies, their eyes wide with anticipation.

WEDNESDAY  
Did we do it?

PUGSLEY  
We did it. Wednesday, we did it!

WEDNESDAY  
No, it was all you! You were the one who poisoned the sauce, after all.

PUGSLEY  
What should we do now?

WEDNESDAY  
Go back home?

PUGSLEY  
But how are we going to find our way back? We're on the opposite side of town from our house, and it's not like we have a car or anything.

WEDNESDAY  
Hmm... maybe we could try to contact Mr. Poe and get him to help us.

PUGSLEY  
We don't know where the bank is. And, again, we don't have any transportation.

WEDNESDAY  
So, you're saying that we're still trapped here?

Pugsley thinks for a moment.

PUGSLEY  
Yes. I guess I am.

WEDNESDAY  
Maybe we could stay here until we come up with an escape plan.

PUGSLEY  
Good idea.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Lemony is standing behind the bed again. The kids come into the room. Wednesday takes the curtain from the window and bunches it up into something for Pubert to sleep on. Pugsley gets into the bed, and Wednesday lays down on the floor.

LEMONY  
That night, the Addams children had succeeded at what they had set out to do, but they went to bed knowing that they had nowhere to go. They no longer had anyone to take care of them, and they did not know what to do next. They slept on the hard ground, the harder bed, and the scratchy curtain-cushion, dreaming that they were back at their own house, with their own family, living their own story instead of the one meant for the Baudelaires. Speaking of the Baudelaires…

EXT. BAUDELAIRE MANSION'S ASHES - MORNING

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny are staring at the ashes of their mansion in confused despair.

WOMAN'S VOICE  
Look, dear. I think there's been a terrible fire.

MAN'S VOICE  
Looks like it was the kind of fire that could perish someone's parents.

WOMAN'S VOICE  
Perished means died, not killed.

MAN'S VOICE  
What would I do without you, Tish?

Violet and Klaus look at where the voices are coming from. MORTICIA and GOMEZ ADDAMS are walking down the same sidewalk that the Baudelaires are standing on.

VIOLET  
Excuse me? Do you know anything about... this?

GOMEZ  
About the fire?

VIOLET  
Yes.

GOMEZ  
No, we were just passing by. Do you?

VIOLET  
No. We were just coming home from the beach and saw that our house had been destroyed.

MORTICIA  
That's funny, we were just going to the beach to check in on our children.

KLAUS  
Are your children by any chance a boy with a striped shirt, a girl with braids, and a baby with a mustache?

MORTICIA  
Why, yes! Were you there with them?

VIOLET  
Yes, we were. Someone from the bank came up to them and told them that he had terrible news for them, but I didn't hear what the bad news was, since I was testing out an invention.

KLAUS  
Wait, Violet... what if there was a mix-up? What if we were meant to get the bad news instead of them? We're a girl, a boy, and a baby, and they're a girl, a boy, and a baby. The man from the bank could have told the wrong people the wrong news!

VIOLET  
That can't be right. No one's that incompetent.

KLAUS  
True.

SUNNY  
(captions)  
I heard the news.

VIOLET AND KLAUS  
You did?

SUNNY  
(captions)  
Something about a fire, and dead parents.

VIOLET  
(sadly)  
I guess someone can be that incompetent.

KLAUS  
Does this mean that our parents are dead?

VIOLET  
I don't want to think about that.

GOMEZ  
So our kids are sitting on that beach convinced that we're dead?

KLAUS  
No, they left with the man from the bank.

MORTICIA  
Gomez, our children have been kidnapped. Gomez, our children have been kidnapped!

GOMEZ  
Do you three know where the man from the bank took them?

SUNNY  
(captions)  
Count Olaf.

GOMEZ  
Count Olaf... I think I took a fencing class with him once. He was terrible. Terribly rude, and a cheater, too.

MORTICIA  
Do you know where he is now?

GOMEZ  
I know he lives in town. Probably on the other side, because that fencing class was near our house, and Olaf would complain about how long it took to get here.

MORTICIA  
So we might be able to find him?

GOMEZ  
Possibly!

MORTICIA  
Great! When we find this Count Olaf, I'm going to break one of his limbs for each of the kids he's taken from us! The one limb I'm leaving unbroken will be his non-dominant hand.

GOMEZ  
Tish, when you threaten people with serious injury, it drives me wild!

KLAUS  
Violet, do you know anyone we could stay with?

MORTICIA  
Gomez, these children need a place to stay. Do you think we could take care of them?

GOMEZ  
If we take care of them, they could help us find the kids! Say, kids, how would you like us to be your new parents?

KLAUS  
We don't even know who you are.

VIOLET  
It's not like we have anywhere else to stay... so, I guess we could stay with you for a while. I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny.

GOMEZ  
I'm Gomez Addams, and this is my wife, Morticia.

Gomez reaches into his pocket and pulls out adoption papers and a pen.

GOMEZ  
Now, before we go hunt down Count Olaf, would you mind signing these?


	2. The Bad Beginning - Part Two

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

WEDNESDAY is sleeping on the floor. She sits up like a vampire coming out of a coffin. PUGSLEY gets out of bed and stretches.

PUGSLEY  
Good morning, Wednesday.

WEDNESDAY  
Good morning, Pugsley.

PUGSLEY  
I don't think I've slept that well in a long time. This bed is surprisingly hard!

WEDNESDAY  
The floor was very cold. It was nice.

Wednesday goes over to Pubert and picks him up. He yawns.

PUGSLEY  
Looks like Pubert slept well, too.

WEDNESDAY  
I'm not surprised. That curtain was scratchy enough to give someone a rash.

PUGSLEY  
Oh, that reminds me. How's your face?

WEDNESDAY  
It hurts.

Wednesday turns her head to look at Pugsley; before, the bruise on her face was facing away from Pugsley, but how he can see that it hasn't gotten any less red than it had been the day before. In fact, it might even be worse.

WEDNESDAY  
But I'll get over it.

PUGSLEY  
Do you think there's anything good to eat for breakfast here?

WEDNESDAY  
We should go see. We never did check the fridge, did we?

PUGSLEY  
I guess not.

INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Pugsley, Wednesday, and Pubert come into the room to see Olaf standing at the counter.

OLAF  
Good morning, orphans. I've prepared breakfast for you.

WEDNESDAY  
We thought you were dead!

PUGSLEY  
There must have only been enough poison to knock him out. There was just enough in the bottle to kill someone, but I guess split up between several people, it wasn't enough.

OLAF  
You tried to poison me. It's become very clear to me that you don't like me very much. There's only one thing I can do about that.

Olaf's eyes shine bright with excitement.

PUGSLEY  
What's that?

OLAF  
Cast you as my co-stars in a play! I'm guessing that the reason you don't like me is because you don't know me very well, since I'm a very likable person. So, I thought, what better way to get to know the real me than to see my incredible acting skills in action?

PUGSLEY  
That doesn't... sound too bad. What's the play about?

OLAF  
The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is written by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, on this Friday night. It is about a man who is very brave and intelligent, played by me. In the finale, he marries the young, beautiful woman he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. You, Pugsley, and you, Pubert, will play some of the cheering people in the crowd.

PUGSLEY  
But if it's a play, won't there be an audience? That seems a bit... I don't know, redundant, to have a crowd cheering for a cheering crowd.

OLAF  
You know what's also redundant? Having to take care of three kids instead of one.

WEDNESDAY  
Do I have to be a part of this performance? I've acted before, and it didn't go very well.

PUGSLEY  
It literally went up in flames. She set the stage on fire.

OLAF  
Well, then, it's a good thing your character has only one line. You are going to play the young woman I marry.

Wednesday loops the noose-end of her braid over her head and lifts up the rest of the braid.

WEDNESDAY  
Pugsley, could you hold this for a second?

PUGSLEY  
Don't do that, you'll kill yourself.

WEDNESDAY  
That's the point.

OLAF  
It's a very important role, but a very easy one to play. You only have one line: "I do." You will say this line when Justice Strauss asks if you will have me.

WEDNESDAY  
I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

PUGSLEY  
She's clearly not interested in the role. Couldn't you get someone else to do it?

WEDNESDAY  
And why did you have to bring Justice Strauss into this? We hate her!

PUGSLEY  
You're the only one who hates her, but that still counts for something.

OLAF  
All the members of my troupe have taken different roles, so there's no other roles available for you three. The reason I brought Justice Strauss into the play is because not only do I want to be a good father, but I also want to be a good neighbor.

WEDNESDAY  
No, you don't. You want to see me suffer. Well, you know what? I want to see you suffer, too. Maybe I will participate in your wretched performance, but there is nothing you can do that will stop me from giving it my all. And believe me when I say that when you look back on the day Wednesday Friday Addams "gave it her all," you will shake in terror, fearing my very existence until the day you die.

OLAF  
Woah. That's a lot of pent up rage for a ten year old.

WEDNESDAY  
I'm twelve!

PUGSLEY  
We'll be in your play. Wednesday's just upset about... the fire. Yeah. That. It has very little to do with you.

Pugsley takes one bowl of oatmeal for himself, one for Pubert, and gives one to Wednesday.

PUGSLEY  
Let's go eat our breakfast.

The kids leave the room.

INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING

The kids sit at the table. Wednesday gives one of the bowls of oatmeal to Pubert.

WEDNESDAY  
Do you have any other poison or weapons with you?

PUGSLEY  
No. That cyanide was only for emergencies, so that was why I had it with me. I keep everything else at home.

WEDNESDAY  
Maybe there's something here we could use to kill that awful man. I don't even want to say his name, I hate him so much.

PUGSLEY  
Do you think he's up to something? He seems like the type to get revenge on those who've wronged him, and I think attempted murder is pretty high up on the list of ways to wrong a person.

WEDNESDAY  
Maybe he knows we hate acting. You remember what happened at Camp Chippewa, don't you?

PUGSLEY  
How would he know about that?

WEDNESDAY  
It was in the news for a week.

PUGSLEY  
Oh yeah. But there's gotta be something more to this, right? I mean, we did try to kill him, after all. And I remember him saying something about our fortune when we first arrived here.

WEDNESDAY  
I don't know how he could get our fortune with a play, but then again, I don't know much about inheritance law.

PUGSLEY  
Do you think Mr. Poe knows about inheritance law? He said that we could talk to him if we had any questions.

WEDNESDAY  
We don't know where the bank is.

PUGSLEY  
Oh. Maybe Justice Strauss has a book that could help.

WEDNESDAY  
I want nothing to do with her.

PUGSLEY  
Would you rather have to deal with her or Olaf?

Wednesday touches the mark on her face.

WEDNESDAY  
Justice Strauss.

PUGSLEY  
Should we go talk to her?

Wednesday sighs, then nods.

INT. JUSTICE STRAUSS' HOUSE - DAY

Justice Strauss brings the kids into the library. Lemony is standing in front of the bookshelf.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
What kind of book are you looking for this time?

LEMONY  
There are many, many types of books in the world, which makes good sense, because there are many, many types of people, and everybody wants to read something different. The same goes for shows, movies, and every other type of media, so please feel free to stop watching this show, because I can't imagine that you are the type of person who likes stories in which terrible things happen to children for no good reason. I also can't imagine that you're the type of person who likes to read books about the law, because no one in their right mind is.

PUGSLEY  
Do you have anything on inheritance law?

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Inheritance law! That's incredibly specific, and I should warn you, incredibly boring, too. Even I think so, and I work in law.

WEDNESDAY  
Our father used to study law.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Oh, I see. Well, I do have quite a few books on the law, so you're in luck. Follow me.

The kids follow Justice Strauss to another part of the library.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Here they are!

PUGSLEY  
Thank you.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
No problem!

The kids take a couple books off the shelf. They sit down to read them. There's a fade to them still reading, but the sun has changed position in the windows, to show that time has passed. Wednesday closes her book.

WEDNESDAY  
I've retained none of this. Pubert, how are you doing?

The camera pans to a book sitting upright in a chair. The book falls down, and Pubert is on the other side. He sighs, and a little fire comes out of his nose.

WEDNESDAY  
That's too bad. And how's it going for you, Pugsley?

The camera pans to Pugsley, who doesn't notice that anyone is talking to him.

WEDNESDAY  
Pugsley?

Wednesday comes over to Pugsley and snaps next to his ear. Pugsley closes his book.

PUGSLEY  
What year is it?

WEDNESDAY  
Did you get anything useful from your book?

PUGSLEY  
I don't know about useful, but it sure was interesting!

WEDNESDAY  
You're joking.

PUGSLEY  
Nope! Did you know that there was a woman who left an enormous sum of money to her pet weasel? Her three sons didn't get anything from her, so they tried to prove she was insane so that they could get some of the money. Anyway, what did you get from your book?

WEDNESDAY  
Nothing. It was so boring, I couldn't process anything it said. I had to reread the first paragraph about five times, and everything after that exited my mind as soon as it entered.

PUGSLEY  
Aren't you used to reading big, long books though? You have a huge book of spells at home.

WEDNESDAY  
I find spells and curses interesting. I find the law incredibly boring.

PUGSLEY  
Huh. Well, I'm gonna keep reading these books, even if Olaf isn't up to something, because I just think they're neat.

Wednesday sighs.

VOICE  
You there!

The kids look at the doorway and see one of the members of Olaf's theater troupe, the one with hooks for hands.

HOOK-HANDED MAN  
Count Olaf sent me to look for you. You are to return to the house immediately... what are you reading, anyway? "Inheritance Law and Its Implications?" Why are you reading that?

PUGSLEY  
Because it's fun!

HOOK-HANDED MAN  
No it isn't. Put that book down and come back to the house.

PUGSLEY  
Aw, man.... Can I bring the book with me?

HOOK-HANDED MAN  
What do you not understand about "put that book down?" Now, put the book down and come back to the house!

PUGSLEY  
Yeesh! Okay!

Pugsley puts the book on a table. He takes Pubert out of the chair and follows the hook-handed man outside. Wednesday follows them, still holding her book.

INT. OLAF'S HOUSE, ENTRANCE - AFTERNOON

The hook-handed man brings the kids inside. Wednesday is poorly hiding the book behind her back. Pugsley looks at her for the first time since the hook-handed man had started talking to them, and finally notices the book. He raises his eyebrows at her and motions towards their room with his head. Wednesday narrows her eyes in confusion.

PUGSLEY  
(whispering)  
Put that upstairs!

WEDNESDAY  
Oh!

Wednesday runs out of the room and comes back without the book. She smiles unconvincingly.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

Wednesday is sleeping on the bed, Pubert on the curtain-cushion, and Pugsley is not sleeping at all. He's sitting by the window, reading the book that Wednesday smuggled into the house.

LEMONY  
That night, Pugsley stayed up all night reading, which was something he had never done before. One may think that his motivator for trying this new activity was to find out what Count Olaf was up to, but in reality, he had forgotten that Count Olaf even existed, and was reading just for fun. However, while reading, he learned something that made him remember their terrible predicament, and realize exactly what Count Olaf was planning.

The sun rises outside the window.

LEMONY  
As the sun rose, Pugsley gathered up the courage to tell Count Olaf that his scheme would end in failure, and to tell his sister that there was hope to be had.

INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING

Olaf comes into the room and takes one of the bowls of oatmeal that the Addams kids left there the day before. He looks up and sees Pugsley in the seat across from the one Olaf took the bowl from. His hands are folded and he has a triumphant look on his face.

OLAF  
You're up early, orphan.

PUGSLEY  
Am I up early, or am I up late? Time is relative, Count Olaf. But you know what isn't?

Pugsley takes his book out from under the table and drops it onto the table.

PUGSLEY  
The LAW!

OLAF  
What?

PUGSLEY  
I stayed up all night reading this book. It's called Nuptial Law, and I learned lots of interesting things from it.

Olaf takes a bite of the day-old oatmeal.

PUGSLEY  
The word "nuptial" means relating to marriage.

OLAF  
I know what that word means, but how do you?

PUGSLEY  
Wednesday taught it to me.

OLAF  
Where did you get that book?

PUGSLEY  
From Justice Strauss' library. But that's not important. What's important is that I found out your plan.

OLAF  
What plan?

PUGSLEY  
The plan to get our fortune.

Pugsley opens the book and starts reading from it.

PUGSLEY  
According to this book, the requirements of marriage are the presence of a judge, a statement of "I do" by both the bride and the groom, and the signing of a document in the bride's own hand. If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper while Justice Strauss is in the room, then she is legally married. This play you're putting us in is all one big act.

OLAF  
"One big act" is literally the definition of a play.

PUGSLEY  
It isn't. If you look up "play" in the dictionary, you won't find the words "one big act" as the definition. So "one big act" is figuratively the definition of a play, but not literally. You know, the difference between "literally" and "figuratively" is a very important thing to know. It's useful for when someone is literally going to marry your TWELVE-YEAR-OLD SISTER.

OLAF  
See, there's why you can't be right! Your sister isn't old enough to get married!

PUGSLEY  
She can get married if she has the permission of her legal guardian, and you, the one planning this whole mess, are her legal guardian.

OLAF  
Why in the world would I want to actually marry your sister? That kid gives me the creeps.

PUGSLEY  
"A legal husband has the right to control any money in the possession of his legal wife." You're going to marry my sister to get our fortune, which I should let you know isn't even ours yet. Our parents aren't dead.

OLAF  
I guess you've found me out. But what are you going to do about it? Tell your siblings that they're doomed?

PUGSLEY  
I'll tell them your plan, if that's what you mean.

OLAF  
Go ahead. I'm sure they'd love to hear it.

PUGSLEY  
...Okay then.

Pugsley gets up and leaves the room.

INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

Pugsley comes up to the bed.

PUGSLEY  
Wednesday.

Wednesday opens her eyes.

WEDNESDAY  
What?

PUGSLEY  
I stayed up all night reading, and I discovered what Count Olaf is up to. He plans to marry you for real, but I'll wait until you're fully awake to tell you all the details. But I will say that there's a loophole that has to do with your signature -

Wednesday sits up and looks beside the bed at the curtain-cushion. Pubert is not there.

WEDNESDAY  
Where's Pubert?

Pugsley looks at the curtain cushion. He lifts it up, and Pubert is not underneath. Wednesday gets out of bed.

PUGSLEY  
Pubert!

WEDNESDAY  
Pubert!

PUGSLEY  
He could be anywhere!

OLAF  
He certainly could.

Pugsley and Wednesday turn around and see Olaf standing in the doorway.

WEDNESDAY  
What did you do with him?

OLAF  
It's very strange to find a child missing, especially one so small, so helpless. But then again, one sees strange things every day. In fact, if you two follow me out to the backyard, I think we will all see something rather unusual.

EXT. OLAF'S BACKYARD - MORNING

Pugsley and Wednesday follow Olaf to the backyard. Olaf points up to the top of the tower. The camera zooms in on the birdcage dangling from the window, with Pubert inside.

PUGSLEY  
Oh. That sucks.

WEDNESDAY  
At least he's not hurt.

OLAF  
Huh. I was expecting a bigger reaction. Looks like I'm going to have to move on to plan B.

Olaf takes a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.

OLAF  
(into the walkie-talkie)  
Drop the cage.

A hook-hand latches onto the birdcage. Pugsley and Wednesday watch the cage fall.

OLAF  
You two look bored!

WEDNESDAY  
Pubert's basically indestructible. A fall from that height isn't going to kill him.

The cage is all crumpled up, but Pubert is still alive. He sticks his hand through the bars of the cage and waves. Then he tries to open the cage, since he can reach the latch, but the door is too damaged to open.

PUGSLEY  
He's trapped!

OLAF  
He is? I mean, he is! And I'm not going to set him free until you agree to participate in the play! So, Wednesday, will you marry me?

Pugsley and Wednesday look at each other nervously.

WEDNESDAY  
If you let Pubert go... I will.

OLAF  
Marvelous!

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Morticia, Gomez, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sit down.

KLAUS  
Why are we here, again?

GOMEZ  
It's in the same part of town that Count Olaf lives. I assume he'll be acting in the play, because he wouldn't shut up about his acting career when I knew him. Also, I haven't seen a play in ages.

MORTICIA  
So are we here to get out kids back or to watch the play?

GOMEZ  
Both!

INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Members of Olaf's acting troupe are rushing around. Wednesday's hair is down, and she's wearing a wedding dress. Two white-faced women are doing her makeup.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 1  
That's weird. Our lightest foundation is too dark for her.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 2  
I'll go get the white face paint.

The second white-faced woman goes offscreen.

WHITE-FACED WOMAN 1  
Oh, don't forget blush! We need to disguise that bruise on her face somehow!

A member of Olaf's acting troupe who looks like neither a man nor a woman comes by and places a flower crown on Wednesday's head.

HENCPERSON OF INDETERMINATE GENDER  
You look beautiful.

WEDNESDAY  
I am going to punch you in the face.

Pugsley runs up to Wednesday. He's wearing a sailor suit.

PUGSLEY  
Wednesday, we're going on stage soon, so I need to tell you the loophole!

WEDNESDAY  
What are you wearing?

PUGSLEY  
I didn't pick it. Anyway, you've got to remember that you need to sign the paper in your own hand in order to be legally married. That means that if you sign with your non-dominant hand, you'll be fine!

WEDNESDAY  
I'm ambidextrous.

PUGSLEY  
Oh. Then we're doomed.

WEDNESDAY  
So we're just going to give up?

PUGSLEY  
There's nothing else we can do.

WEDNESDAY  
It's okay. Maybe it'll be easier to kill Olaf when I'm married to him.

PUGSLEY  
That is one way to think of it.

VOICE  
Everyone, please get in your places for act three!

INT. THEATER - NIGHT

Wednesday, Olaf, Justice Strauss, Pugsley, and several troupe members that are playing people in the crowd take their places onstage. Justice Strauss begins her speech.

MORTICIA  
Does the bride look familiar to you?

VIOLET  
Looks like the girl from the beach.

GOMEZ  
Is that Wednesday?

MORTICIA  
Yes, it is! And I think one of the people in the crowd is Pugsley! But where's Pubert?

GOMEZ  
I don't see him. 

MORTICIA  
What should we do?

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

OLAF  
I do.

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
(to Wednesday)  
Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

WEDNESDAY  
I... do.

GOMEZ  
That's her, that's her voice!

MORTICIA  
We need to do something!

Justice Strauss holds out a document. Olaf signs the document, then hands the quill pen to Wednesday. Wednesday sighs and signs the document. Olaf steps towards the audience.

OLAF  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight's performance, for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Wednesday Addams has been perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her fortune.

The audience gasps. Gomez stands up.

GOMEZ  
This is illegal!

Pugsley stands up and looks at the audience.

PUGSLEY  
No, it is legal. I read up on nuptial law and unfortunately, Count Olaf is right.

Morticia stands up, her fists clenched.

MORTICIA  
That's it! I'm going up there!

GOMEZ  
Not yet, cara mia. I'm going to go up there and disprove this marriage, and then you can annihilate the count.

Gomez goes up to the stage and stands in front of it, facing the audience.

GOMEZ  
I used to be a lawyer, so I know a bit about nuptial law, and I know that this marriage is not legal.

OLAF  
How so?

GOMEZ  
It was staged as a play, which means that it was fraudulent, thus making it not legally binding!

JUSTICE STRAUSS  
Who are you?

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY  
Father?

GOMEZ  
Children!

Gomez comes onstage. He gives them a hug.

GOMEZ  
I missed you so much!

PUGSLEY  
We missed you too!

GOMEZ  
Where's Pubert?

WEDNESDAY  
At Olaf's house, in a birdcage.

GOMEZ  
What?

WEDNESDAY  
Olaf trapped him in a birdcage until we agreed to be in the play.

GOMEZ  
That's terrible!

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY  
We know.

Mr. Poe stands up, revealing that he was in the front row the whole time.

MR. POE  
Children, do you know this man?

PUGSLEY  
Since when are you here?

WEDNESDAY  
We literally said he's our father.

MR. POE  
That can't be right, your parents perished in a terrible fire.

Violet and Klaus stand up.

VIOLET  
No, our parents did. You got it all wrong, and gave the wrong news to the wrong people.

KLAUS  
But now we have new parents, Mr. and Mrs. Addams.

Gomez waves.

MR. POE  
Well, if you have parents, then they couldn't have died in a fire.

KLAUS  
They adopted us.

PUGSLEY  
You adopted two kids?

SUNNY  
Three!

MR. POE  
So those three are the ones I was supposed to deliver the news to, not Wednesday and her brothers?

PUGSLEY  
We have names!

MR. POE  
All right. Let me get this straight. The three kids whose names I don't know -

KLAUS  
The Baudelaires.

MR. POE  
The Baudelaires - were adopted by Mr. and Mrs. Addams. And Wednesday, whatshisface, and the other one Addams' parents died in a fire.

WEDNESDAY  
They didn't.

MR. POE  
Then whose parents died?

KLAUS  
Ours!

MR. POE  
But you have parents!

PUGSLEY  
They're our parents too!

MR. POE  
Well, this is all too confusing for me, so I'm going to send you to your actual closest living relative, since I have recently been informed that that does not mean "the relative who lives closest to you." And who are your closest living relatives?

WEDNESDAY  
Our parents.

MR. POE  
They're dead.

PUGSLEY  
Fine. Then it's our Aunt Ophelia.

WEDNESDAY  
Why would you tell him that?

PUGSLEY  
Because I know Ophelia can bring us back to our parents.

WEDNESDAY  
Oh. Good idea. Now there's the issue of Pubert.

Morticia comes onstage.

MORTICIA  
Where's Olaf?

WEDNESDAY  
Not "where's Pubert?"

MORTICIA  
No, you said where he was.

Morticia takes a crossbow from behind her back.

MORTICIA  
I'm here for revenge.

MR. POE  
All right, now seems like a good time to take the Addams kids to their new home. Come with me, children, we'll go back to Count Olaf's house and get your brother, and then it's off to your aunt Octavia!

WEDNESDAY AND PUGSLEY  
Ophelia.

Mr. Poe stands up. The kids get off the stage and begin to follow him out of the theater.

WEDNESDAY  
Goodbye, Mother. Goodbye, Father.

PUGSLEY  
Goodbye.

GOMEZ  
We can't just let this happen, can we?

MORTICIA  
It'll be fine. I trust Ophelia.

Gomez sighs.

GOMEZ  
Goodbye.

MORTICIA  
Goodbye.

INT. CAR - NIGHT

Mr. Poe is driving the Addams kids back from the theater. Lemony is sitting in the passenger seat.

LEMONY  
I'm sure you know that when your hopes are high, the sting of defeat can feel even worse than it would if you had gone in accepting defeat. The Addams children felt such a relief upon seeing their parents. They thought their troubles would be over. Little did they know that plenty worse things would come, and that this was only the beginning... the very bad beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boy do I love basing a major part of a character/plot off of a joke made like twice in the source material! I'd like to thank the Addams Family wiki for that lawyer thing


End file.
